Note to Brooke and Will

Most of my life struggles have been self inflicting. And for one reason, or another I just have to make a mistake more than once, to realize that I need a change in my actions. I would like to promise myself, that  my days of making the same mistake over and over, are finally, over. But I can only promise, that I am highly aware of, and engaged on working on, this problem of mine.

It started with the training of the half marathon. I started off excited, and ready to carefully work my runs in, around my families needs. I was determined this time, my running, would not take over my life. It only took a few weeks of running 35 miles a week, ( which is the necessary weekly mileage, to meet my previous, half marathon time ) for me to notice that our Sat. family adventures were greatly affected by my 5 am, 10 mile run , with my friends. The exhaustion was like a cloud of confusion that loomed over my head for hours of the day, and by the time that I came out of the confusion, it was getting to be afternoon, and much of the day was gone.

 After two Saturdays like this, I knew I needed a change, to keep my goal of not affecting my family. So I decided I would run hard all week, so that when Sat. came, the early morning run, would not wear me out. I even started doing my long run on the treadmill during the week, and this was where the danger came. Because I didn't have my friends with me, since I was on a treadmill , I got bored. I love to run, but the truth is, that I love to sprint short distance, and being on the treadmill, with no friends to talk too, I just wanted to get the long run over with. I ignored the fact that normally I run 7 min. miles for max 5 miles, and I pushed myself at this same pace for 8 miles.

I got greedy. I couldn't believe that I could go 8 miles and hold a 7 min. pace. I had never tried to run fast, for long distances, and I wanted to try it again. The feeling after the distance at this pace, made me feel invincible. Plus, doing this distance in the week, made it possible to take an extra day off of running, and still complete the required mileage.

Then something happened, that is worse than the greedy feeling, that held me of high hopes to run even longer at that pace next time.

I had an uneasy feeling about my training, even though everything seemed to be working out just fine, in this new system I had found where my Sat. runs were later in the morning, and shouldn't exhaust me for the day. Well, I did not completely ignore the warning that came to me.... I emailed the girls that I was running with and told them, that I felt terrible, that I hadn't offered to help them more with their paces. I felt terrible that I hadn't offered to pace them for the actual race,( I have had a coach pace me in the past, and it it awesome, so I should want to give that to a friend, right? ) and I said that I decided that I wasn't doing this race for my time, but that I wanted to help them. Teresa, was thrilled about my offer, although she felt sad for me to not race it for myself. I assured her that I wanted to do this for her, and I had a feeling that I should.

I figured the uneasy feeling that I had about the race was because I selfishly, hadn't offered to help friends more. I figured I felt bad, because I felt so proud of my recent long run times, but I hadn't thought to help a friend. But I know now, that the uneasy feeling, was a warning about where my pride would take me, if I didn't get it under control, and I had the thought to help a friend, so that I wouldn't need to put pressure on myself about my pace. I had a feeling about this, but offering to help a friend was not enough. I needed to inquire more of the Lord, and the feeling probably would have come, that I need to not let my pride push my pace in my own runs.

My pride lost control. I got on the treadmill after downing two Mountain Dews, and I put in Cinderella Man in the DVD player. (Cinderella Man is one of our favorite movies.) I watched Russel Crowe's starving family, and the adrenaline of the boxing got to me. I started loosing my legs at 9 miles, at 7 min. pace, but I kept thinking, if I just hold on, could I imagine how it would feel to run 7 min. miles for 11 miles? It would feel awesome. I was into the movie. I thought about how bad it would hurt to have to get back up, after being knocked out, like Bradock did in the movie, and real life ( since it's a true story ) and I made myself do it. I am pretty easy to motivate, and I ignore the pain and push myself to much. I lost all form, and I felt the cloud of confusion coming, even before I stopped running. ( normally this doesn't happen until you are finished running. )
I even made a comment about this run on facebook because I was so proud of myself.

My pride is broken down, now. I learned my lesson. I know, that the uneasy feeling that I had, was a warning about what was to come, if I didn't change the path, that I was about to go down. I assumed what I was doing wrong, but I didn't prayerfully ask.

My neck and back pretty much always in pain right now. Any normal person would have stopped running right after this event. But no, not my stubborn self. I kept running after the injury and three chiropractor visits that really helped me. After my last 10 mile run left me in severe pain and I had to continue holding a baby anyway, I finally got some sense knocked into my head.

I now feel terrible for wasting Kevin's hard earned money and all because of my pride. Up until a few days ago, I still planned to do the race somehow.

Pain ended up breaking my pride and I told Teresa that I can't pace her, because I need to heal, so that I can take care of my family.

Hopefully I learned my lesson and hopefully I wont abuse my body anymore. Just because your body can endure the pain of running, doesn't mean, that it should.

Just because it feels good to accomplish something hard, doesn't mean that the sacrifice it will take, will be a worthy sacrifice.

Make your sacrifices a worthy cause, my dear Brooke and Will. Sometimes the glory we want, is not always what is best for us.